Bonus Moms & Blended Families Part 2
Thanks for all of you guys’ wondrous responses and dms without my Part I post well-nigh composite families and bonus moms – I was doing a Q&A on stories yesterday and realized I never posted the part 2! I love stuff worldly-wise to bring a increasingly unshut conversation virtually composite families and motherhood as a bonus mama.
Schedules and Lifestyle
Q: Do you get a long with Cody’s ex-wife? Do you guys hang out?
One thing I wished could have been variegated for me growing up, was that when my parents got divorced they would have been friends (I love both my parents very much and I know no family is perfect, but it was nonflexible at times feeling that tension).
They lived wideness the country from each other, so they didn’t have to see each other much. When I would go to visit my mom I would fly by myself (I don’t know if they still do this, but I started at like 5 or 6 years old and my parents would walk me to the gate and then you sit in when row by flight retrospective and do the flight on your own.
I unquestionably have a lot of fun memories with super kind flight attendants who would play games and stuff with me. I think this is moreover part of the reason I learned to wilt pretty self-sustaining at a young age, and traveling vacated hasn’t overly really scared me but anyways…), but ya I still unchangingly felt that worrisome tension whenever they were in the same room.
I remember plane on my wedding day stuff worried well-nigh making sure both parents felt they got equal sustentation and love. And maybe that was something I created in my head, but it made me want to make it a priority when we got married that we have a good relationship with Cody’s ex, so that the kids never felt that tension or stress, and so we could all go to the kids events and it not be awkward.
Again, this was not an overnight thing, it took years to get to that point. Expressly if this is a fresh situation, it will take a lot of time. But as a kid who has been on that side of divorce, that was one thing I really wanted variegated for our kids.
Time, time, time! I think it all just takes time, but I love talking to their mom well-nigh the kids and sharing excitement for the things they are doing, or things they are learning or going through. We all sit by each other at most of the kids games and events, it’s in a good place.
Q. Do you get a say in making all of the decisions well-nigh schools and such. How do you deal with that aspect?
A. Long story short, I have no say haha. Cody talks to me well-nigh it, but that is one of the nonflexible parts of stuff a bonus mom, you love your bonus babies and help raise them but in my specimen I’m not really a visualization maker. I midpoint day to day what we are doing Cody and I decide, but worthier decisions Cody and his ex wife work out together.
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Q. As the Bonus Moms/Parents, Are You Involved in Liaison to His Ex or Just Cody?
A. In our situation, Cody and his ex work out details for the most part. Obviously there are times when Cody is still at work or out of town or something so I pick up/drop off the kids, etc. but the majority of liaison is between her and Cody. We recently started a group text for sports and school scheduling and sometimes share pictures of the kids from school or sports too, but most scheduling goes through them.
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Q. As the Bonus Moms/Parents, Are You Involved in Liaison to His Ex or Just Cody?
A. One thing that took time for me to realize and understand is that when you’re a step parent (not unchangingly the case, but at least in my situation) plane if you all get along, at the end of the day you have little say over holidays, school schedules, really just plans in general.
For me, somebody who likes to plan superiority and be in control, it’s sometimes hard. For example, when we were trying to plan a trip and I would ask Cody if he had texted the kids’ mom to make sure unrepealable days work and I would want firsthand answers for things ???? and he’s like I haven’t talked to her yet, and I’m all well undeniability right now.
What’s the hold up ???????? I sooner realized that 1) sometimes you don’t get firsthand answers considering she has a life too obviously and you can’t expect firsthand responses all the time and 2) things take longer to coordinate and plan than it would with your own kids, so you have to plan superiority a little further.
Q. Do You Have Full Custody? How Often and How Long Do Your Bonus Kids Stay With You?
A. We have joint custody so it alters. Right now, every other week we have them for Thursday/Friday, and then the next week 4 days Thursday-Sunday.
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Q. Would You Overly Travel Without the Bonus Kids?
I think our situation is a little variegated considering we LOVE to travel and moreover travel quite a bit for work, but we unchangingly make sure to plan all our “big trips” when we can go together as a family. For example we usually do a big 2 week trip every summer and we unchangingly do that with all the kids.
One exception is like spring unravel – we yo-yo years with their mom for spring unravel so if Mara and Wes are with their mom those days, we will still take Beckam and Ollie on a spring unravel trip). If your family typically only goes on 1 or 2 trips a year, I would for sure try to make it work to include everyone.
We have so much fun when we travel with all the kids and Beckam and Ollie love stuff with Mara and Wes as much as we do, so we wish we could unchangingly travel together but it doesn’t unchangingly work out that way. That’s flipside thing you realize without you have kids of your own- both parents want as much time as they can with their kids.
If it’s a rencontre to get spare days or switch schedules for trips, try to have perspective and realize their other parent wants to hang out with them as much as possible too. Not saying it never sucks or their aren’t still disappointed parties, but its kind of an “it is what it is” situation. But honestly it unchangingly feels like something is missing when we travel with out them.
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Q. Do They Go School 30 Minutes Away? How Does That Work?
They used to live 10 minutes yonder from us for like 8 years and recently they moved a couple towns away. I’m so thankful they are still within driving loftiness considering for me growing up, that wasn’t the case, so I’m just grateful we still get to see them so much.
But it has definitely made it a little increasingly challenging, expressly now that they are in multiple sports, and Mara and Wes are in two variegated schools (junior upper and elementary) they go at variegated times. Everyone has variegated practices and schedules without school, so it gets rented but we are glad they are still close.
Q. Are They Unshut to Talking Well-Nigh Things They Do With Their Mom Virtually You?
I finger like they are super unshut with us, but I guess I wouldn’t unquestionably know how much they are choosing to share. I know as a kid, sometimes I would finger nervous telling the other parent what I was doing when I was with my other parent (even now sometimes, unquestionably haha) considering I didn’t want to make the other parent finger bad, so I hope Mara and Wes don’t finger that way but moreover I guess I can’t know 100% for sure since we aren’t with them 24/7.
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Q. How Do You Split up Firsts or Special Times With Their Mom and You Guys?
We haven’t had a lot of firsts where we can’t both show up somewhere to support them. For their first time to Disney, we did ask the kids’ mom if we could take them but other than that, there haven’t been a lot of times when we need to split up firsts.
Q. How Do You Guys Handle Holidays/Birthdays?
It’s kind of reverted over the years. We unchangingly split Christmas – I know thats not as popular. I think a lot of people do every other Christmas. Thanksgiving and Spring Unravel we unorganized every year. Sometimes Easter falls over Spring Break, etc. Birthdays have reverted – sometimes we unorganized years and sometimes we stick to the schedule.
When they were younger, one person would get them the night surpassing and half of their birthday, and then the other would get the other half of the day and the night. At first I think everyone was hypersensitive and micromanaging time and things have relaxed since then. I would get in the mentality of trying to make sure everything was ‘fair’. But in a composite family, it’s untellable to make everything 100% fair.
We would moreover have traditions that we do every year with the kids, like scarification pumpkins and decorating gingerbread houses. And we’ll wait to do those traditions until we have Mara and Wes with us so we can do it all together as a family. I think it makes the holidays finger increasingly special and we’re plane increasingly intentional well-nigh our time together during those times.
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Support
Q. Do You Finger You Need to Know Other Bonus Moms for Support? I Don’t Have Anyone in My Life.
I know like one or two other bonus moms but now that I’m thinking well-nigh it I don’t know if I’ve overly really talked to them a ton well-nigh it. My step mom is and I’ve talked to her of undertow ???? We have 2 step dads within our extended family, but otherwise I finger like my physical whirligig of bonus moms is pretty small.
If you’re joining an online group of other composite families, I would squint for one that’s goal is a positive family environment – there are so many that can wilt super negative and that energy will just detract. But I think bonus moms can be a unconfined support for each other.
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Discipline/Parenting for Blended Families:
I never want Mara and Wes to finger like they get treated differently, so we try to say resulting through everything and that includes with disciplining and rules. For example: If they make a mess in the living room with Beckam, I wouldn’t only make Beckam wipe it. And if they don’t listen, which they are kids and sometimes they don’t haha, they will get a variegated chore. But I do that word-for-word thing for all the kids.
There are 10000% times I will say to Cody though, will you be the enforcer this time, I don’t want them to hate me. And sometimes he will, and other times he’s like you are still a mom to them, they love you and it’s ok for them to have consequences. I think he gages my mood haha. I’ve been in their life over 10 years, and know they love me, but sometimes still worry “what if they think I’m the evil step mom!” So I think you gage what feels most natural and well-appointed for you.
Q. Do You Requite Your Bonus Kids Chores?
A. 100%, but all of the kids have weekly chores (– one thing Cody and I both finger strongly well-nigh is teaching our kids work ethic, so that goes for all the kids obviously). For us it just wouldn’t make sense if only Beckam and Ollie were doing weekly chores and Mara and Wes just sat on the couch. We are a family and we all have responsibilities.
Do I overly finger guilty well-nigh it? There are some times when it’s the last hour or two surpassing Mara and Wes go when to their mom’s house and Cody tells them they need to wipe up a mess and pick up the room, and I tell him they only have 1 hour left and to let them just have fun.
He says no, they are still our kids they need take superintendency of their responsibilities, which is really what we would do with Beckam and Ollie. So the times when I am a little increasingly lax well-nigh chores or picking up without themselves is surpassing they leave, but during the regular day to day, they do the same things my kids do. (And Cody is really good well-nigh stuff resulting no matter the circumstances.
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Ok that wraps up this post! A lot of you have questions or translating well-nigh dealing with biological moms or establishing a yoke with your bonus babies – I’m really want to be an unshut typesetting and share as much as I can, so I’ll save that for the next few posts, including tips for bonus moms and tips for bio moms since I got a few questions from you guys too ❤️ I’ve loved hearing from you all well-nigh your own composite families and how much you love your bonus babies!